So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
