I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
