If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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