I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
