It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
