I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
