Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
