ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
