Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
