if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
