Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I want to be your penis for a week.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
