I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
