i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
