There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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