I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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