I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
