i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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