Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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