Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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