Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
