My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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