Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
