I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
