Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
