I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize