It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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