Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
