we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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