I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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