Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize