His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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