She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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