When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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