I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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