I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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