I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
