Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
