dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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