Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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