ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
