Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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