Betty ford says i'm here all night
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
