booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
