im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
They took my balls.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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