I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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