dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
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So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
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I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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