My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
