My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
