Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
