Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
