your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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