i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
