I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
