I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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